Morning Will Come

Nightfall brought an eerie, foreboding darkness to my soul. Hopelessness and pain chased after me like hungry demons from the grave. I ran from them all, crashing and smashing my way through the trees, my arms and face bleeding where the branches tore at my flesh. Sweat, blood and tears ran together on my face as I ran erratically, unable to put distance between me and my relentless enemy. Hour after hour this battle wore on, until I was gasping for breath and staggering from tree to tree for support. Finally, I collapsed in an unmarked bed of leaves, exhausted and unable to think anymore-unable to fight off the fears inside me. Helpless against the enemy, he overtook me, raging over my mind and heart till everything went cold and grey…and then an empty black.

My charcoal mind was empty without thoughts or movement. My body lay still, deaf and blind. Life had been stolen away, but in its place, at least for this moment, there was rest. No more running, no more fear, no more life. I welcomed it--willing to stay, willing to sacrifice whatever I had been fighting for just to have this empty form of peace. Hours passed and for a brief eternity, the woods were silent. This would be my end. No more suffering. No more pain…for there was nothing left. I had fought, I had run, and … I had lost.

But, then…like a curtain slowly raised on a new stage, the blackness became grey. And the grey slowly lifted as a golden light began to find its way through the dense trees. The sun began to dance quietly on the dew-covered leaves as they stretched out to drink in the warmth. The cold silence slipped away as the ground began to crackle and green branches swayed with the light breeze. Purple and yellow blooms opened their eager faces toward the light and playful little creatures began to stir, peaking out of their moss-covered windows. Slowly this hidden world came to life around my lifeless body. Then, the shimmering sun broke through with a new strength, flooding across the bed where I lay. My body tingled and began to move slightly. I look around hesitantly, remembering the enemy that pursued me just a few hours ago. But there is no sign of them in the trees—no dark presence felt in my soul.

Morning has come and I am still here. I crawl to the clearing where the sun can pour over me again and again and again. I feel its fire restoring my pumping heart within until, once more, I am alive! Suddenly my eyes open for the first time and I see the green fields all around me. And there are people everywhere—young and old. Some are kneeling, some jumping and dancing. Many are standing, just like me, with outstretched hands, their faces turned toward the Source of life. They join hands together and I reach out to those beside me, realizing that I am not alone. Morning has come and I am not alone.

No matter how dark the night--no matter how desperate--the dawn will come. There is no rushing it, but there is also no stopping it. It will come as sure as time advances; as sure as love finds hearts to live for. It is a promise of life. The morning will come.

Proof of Life

We love storms. If we could, my family would run outside every time the violent clouds approached, racing to feel the drenching rain beat against our skin. We would stand still like a martyr, waiting for the lightening bolt to strike us with its deadly white heat. We long for the defining crash of thunder to slap our body down and leave us breathless. We are crazy like that.

But most of the people I know hate storms. Grown men and women run from them and teach their children to fear them. They shield their eyes and pull the covers up high. Fear grips the heart--fear of the power, I guess, the power to hurt, wound and destroy. Everyone prefers the sunshine to the rain. And, why not? Sunshine brings happiness and hope and new beginnings.

But, who said I can’t dance when life crashes in with deafening thunder and crushing rain? Maybe it lets me know I am alive if I feel the storm soaking into my clothes, my skin…and my soul. The thunder rumbles and shakes the earth beneath me. And there can be no doubt that the universe is beyond me. I am but one lonely body in the midst of millions. One heart shaken to its core by the crack of thunder, fired like a shot gun in this space where I stand. Circumstances surround me like dark, ominous clouds. And then, just as the blackness promised—just as I feared—the angry storm strikes out with a holy rage that cannot be satisfied.

And I,…I choose to dance. I raise my face to the sky and let the rain slap against me. I glide around and around with determined arms outstretched to embrace the storm. The wind whips my body down like a rag doll in the hands of an angry child. I crumble to the ground suddenly as lightning strikes, blinding my eyes and leaving me starring into white space. I am fully alive when I am in the storm, senses tuned to the powers that rage against me. I feel excruciating pain—a proof of life--a willing victim of God’s hand.

There will be sunshine again. But right now it is storming, and I need to dance!

What I Do Know...

If I knew the beginning from the end, as God does, my thoughts and emotions would all be different this morning. If I knew that next week I would land that job or next month I would get a publisher for my book, I would be full of hope and confidence. Because I could look at my situation in light of the answers—in light of the future. But I don’t have eyes to see into the future. The air around me is overcast…even ominous. What lies ahead may, indeed, be positive, but it could also be full of unexpected heartache and struggle. It could be beyond what I think my heart can bear. And this morning I am suspended between the possible, the inevitable,…the unknown.

But God says to me, “It is enough that I hold your future. It is enough that I see the path and know what lies ahead.” So I give Him my trust—Him who has pledged to never leave me, who has promised to care for me, who has dreams, plans and a destiny for me to walk in. And in return, I receive His tangible presence next to me. His comforting peace is poured like honey over my quietly suffering heart. His guiding hand holds mine as we walk forward together.

I don’t know the beginning from the end,…but I do know Him. And, today, that is enough.

Unconnected to my Heart and Soul

Life quite often throws us into circumstances we did not anticipate and never would have asked for. When those circumstances are particularly unpleasant…maybe even traumatic…we take what happened and stuff it away in a box. Then we lock the box, sealing it tightly. We may add some duct tape to make sure it stays closed. Then we push it into the corner, cover it up and hope we never see it again! That may seem to work for a while, but the box never goes away. It’s presence is always there, lurking in the background, threatening to explode out of the box and overtake us once again.

Recently, I went through a traumatic experience…that’s probably no secret if you’ve been reading my blog entries carefully. J This past week, Dave and I took time to remember and specifically identify our accomplishments and personal growth during this most recent season in our lives. Personally, in the last 2 years, I became a published writer. That in itself has been an amazing process of listening and learning from the Lord. I am more confident in who I am as a woman and my individual mission in life. I took giant leaps forward in my faith in God, particularly in trusting Him to provide financially and not be stressed by bills or lack of income—and at the same time to rejoice in the midst of uncertainty! (Hopefully, that story will be in print one day!) I finished my first and second books…and started a third.

As we reviewed the last few years of our lives, I realized that I didn’t want to lock it all away in a box in the corner. Yes, this last season of our life ended very badly. I still have the fresh wounds on my body and may have scars for years. But, I want to keep what is good. Some of it has been amazingly life-altering. I don’t want to lose a precious part of myself as I try to hide from the pain.

When we can connect the dots and see our life as a linear journey, it begins to make sense. It makes our heart settle down and restores our ability to look forward with hope. If I throw away the last few years, I leave myself unconnected to my own heart and soul. But if I accept the good as well as the bad, understanding it as best I can, I then take all of me into my future journey with God. And He is making everything in my life into a beautiful thing. He is taking the raw and painful wounds in my heart and turning them into glistening jewels that display the glory of their Creator! And with confidence, I can now look forward to the next season for me. I know there will be hard times and periods of amazing blessing. But, whatever happens, it is my life. It is my journey. And I eagerly chose to turn down a new path and see what is next!

Eventually, the mind entertains the spirit...

Change is a funny thing. We get bored, we get stuck. And we want things to change. We long for the new and the exciting to come and save us from our benign existence. We dream of adventure. We hope for better things. Then, suddenly, without warning, our monotonous world…suddenly shifts. And with the shift our whole world becomes off balance. This is not what we expected, not even what we had dreamed. It feels more like a nightmare! At first we cannot breath. We stagger and gasp for air as the world begins to blacken around us. We hold on to one thought that will keep us from going down. Voices are blurred and we pray to God for help.

Next comes a moment of awful silence; and that moment may last for seconds, hours, or even days. It is then that the mind comes to the realization that it is not dreaming. This is reality. Nothing can change it. The mind then races toward an escape. Running, running, running toward nothing! Where could I go? What could I do? There has to be a way out! I can’t do this!

Eventually, the mind entertains the spirit and hope is escorted in! Hope because our lives have a purpose. Hope because the Creator is present. Hope because we will stand up again!

For me, I am reminded that my prayer has been answered. Reminded that God Himself told me what to pray the morning before the earth shifted on me. He reminds me that He has written the story of my destiny and I am meant to soar with Him. I am to live a life of adventure and freedom!

And so it begins—or so it continues—as I see how each day has been leading me to this dramatic change. And one day, I will look back in fondness on this season of realignment. In the story of my life it will not seem so abrupt. Everything has been pointing here for some time. It is the next step, of course. 

What's Wrong with the Weeds?

Take a walk in the woods and look around at the wild growth. Beautiful flowers grow with stunning beauty in hundreds of shades of color. A flower no larger than my pinky has over 80 tiny pedals coming together in a sunburst center. It is no less unique in color and pattern as those flowers that man has figured out how to plant and grow in a line! If they are so beautiful, then what is wrong with weeds? They were never planted—or planned, that is true. They tend to ruin the orderly look of our lawn or garden. And, when we look at weeds, we see annoying problems instead of color and texture and beauty placed there by God. So we pull them out and throw them away!

Actually, we tend to avoid or destroy anything in our lives that we cannot explain or didn’t create ourselves. But the world is full…actually overflowing…with things we have no control over. Our lives are full of unexpected, unplanned events: we trip and fall, we discover a new hobby, we fall in love, we move away, we make a friend, we lose a loved one, we change jobs. If we must control every aspect of our lives, then we are in a constant state of unrest because life is fluid and unpredictable.

Do we treat God like a weed in our lives too? He does not present Himself where we would think most appropriate. He is not controlled. He is not. He comes in splashes of color and texture to unsuspecting hearts. He surprises us with sweet wild berries along the road just inside the tree line. Gold and white pedals spring up just after the lawn is clipped. They raise their pretty heads as if to dance before us all! He comes to us in crazy ways of unexpected yet profound beauty.

And we find that incredibly uncomfortable. We wouldn’t call God a weed, but we do seek to pull out and toss aside His unplanned, unexpected appearances into our life space. Without thinking we dismiss all that is out of order, all that is different, all that cannot easily be explained. We desperately try to return to our state of calm without even examining the uniqueness of what has come into our lives.

And we miss so much. What is wrong with weeds? What is wrong with the unorthodox and unusual? Let’s pause long enough to enjoy the beauty of the unexpected. Let’s entertain the possibility that what lies in front of me may be a gift. What has randomly landed in my path may actually be 80 tiny gold pedals coming together in a sunburst center no larger than my finger tip. If I don’t look closely, I will miss something that could change my life. Right now my life is full of weeds. And I think they are beautiful!

Launching Point!

One of the greatest thrills of any adventure, of any jump or ride or challenge...is the launch! It's that first step, first jump, first hit of the season! If you have ever bungie jumped or jumped off a high dive or off a high rock into the water below, you know what I'm talking about. As you appoach the launching point, your nerves tingle, your mind becomes more alert, and your whole body is electrified!

I've spent the last 3 days resting with my family in a chalet on the Rappahanic River. My heart is ready. My mind is ready. Tomorrow morning will bring me to my launching point: the first acceleration down the road. I'll put on my jeans and riding boots, my leather jacket, leather gloves, sunglasses and helmet. I'll tie down the small bag with my extra riding gear first. Then, the large backpack will strap down to the backrest and sit on the back seat of the bike. I'll tighten and re-tighten the straps to make sure they will not slide. I'm sure Dave will then tighten them a little more. As I get on the bike, my nerves will tingle, my mind will be alert, and my whole body will be electrified. This is the point where adrenaline surges and you have (all at once) the desire to jump off the bike and stay home and the opposing urge to fire up that engine and go!!! I'm sure the adventurer in me will win and I'll be down the road with the red flames lapping at my legs! It's all part of the thrill--part of the launch!

I know for some the fear of the launch stops you from trying something new and venturing into the unknown. Let me encourage you! When I have pushed past the fear and dared to risk failure or injury or any number of things...my life has never been the same. I've become a stronger person because I have met the challenge without backing down. And I would never go back. I love the person I have become! Remember that God is calling us to risk and to run with Him! He is a God of adventure! He is pulling you to go beyond where you have been living in safety to risk and grow and experience the thrill of real living! So find your next launching point and jump with me!